Confessions

vanity

The clitoris is not a myth.

Rising tuitions costs are a bigger concern than litigation costs.

Smut novels are no different than pornography or strip clubs.

I never knew it was the federal government’s responsibility to make sure everyone had a job.

I dream in color.

I didn’t know every time people masturbated that God killed a kitten.

Judges should be allowed to look at a case and say get this crap out of here.

Smut novels can be healthy.

It is unwise to use racial and entitlement in the same sentence.

Rolling Stone is wrong about their new immortals list.

I want to name one of my children Akhilleus.

I didn’t know that because that is the way something has always been, that that’s the way it always has to be.

Being in debt to a loan shark is bad, but being in debt to China is okay.

Pornography and strip clubs can be healthy.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

I don’t dream of Jeannie.

I didn’t know you could save dice during turns in Dice with Buddies.

Craig Kilborn was a better host of the Daily Show.

It wasn’t butter.

Smut novels can be unhealthy.

A heartbeat is the start of life.

Justin Timberlake is the most talented entertainer today.

I didn’t know having a cell phone was a fundamental right.

Pornography and strip clubs can be unhealthy.

What’s best for me is not always what’s best for you.

After years of research, the hokey pokey is not what it’s all about.

Clothes do not make the man.

Doggy style does not mean anal sex.

There should be limits on speech, or at the very least on the media.

I’m always so surprised when it comes out that an athlete or a celebrity isn’t who we thought they were.  I wish I could be more like Dennis Green.

What what, in the butt, pertains to anal.

Mindy McCready is now one of ten thousand angels watching over us.

Guns are not the answer, but they are an answer.

Can we legalize marijuana and cocaine and tax the hell out of it already?  I’ll still label people who use them, but what’s the reasoning for not doing this?  It’s morally wrong?  Like a politician cheating on his wife, or getting a DWI, or what is the connection?  Oh it sets a bad example for children?  Ah, like the government running a deficit sets a good example?  Sorry that was off topic.  Isn’t it a parents job to raise their children and teach them right from wrong? My bad, I didn’t know, I’m sorry.

I don’t understand how there are any kittens left.

Sex before marriage may be wrong, but it feels good.

C as in Charlie, O as in oh my god it’s Robert Loggia, W as in water pistol.

Gone the way of the Dodo

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Here I sit all broken hearted
I tried to shit, but only farted
– Author Unknown

Maybe it’s because I’m not in grade school any more, or maybe it’s because I don’t hang out in truck stops like I used to, but I’ve realized something is missing from my life.  The Bathroom Lyricist, the Number Two Dungaboo, the Porcelain Poet.  These mysterious geniuses could put pen to wall, and in a few seconds, bam, masterpiece.  Profound words that no $99 seminar at some off beat executive hotel could ever offer.

Ladies, I don’t know if you’ve had these.  Maybe the bathroom stall wall is where Carly Rae first penned Call Me Maybe, or where Dave Chappelle came up with his remix edition about his song about pissing.  But regardless, it’s clear to me, the smart phone has killed the majority of them off.  Another horrific tragedy of the technology age.

Do people really think someone wants to receive a text from you while you’re on the pot?  Or that your move in (insert whatever game is popular at time reading this) came while you were dropping a load?  You’re disgusted even thinking about it, but yet, you do it.

Help save our bathroom stalls, bring back the writings on the walls.  Don’t shit and text, or peck and pee.

 

Do less, gain more

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Remember the story of the tortoise and the hare?  There are always going to be those people that jump out of the gates, guns blazing, heart pounding, determined to prove to everyone they are the best, so they do every little thing they can in order to do just that and sometimes they execute the triple lindy and sometimes they ejaculate prematurely.  In the mean time, they are usually pretty annoying, super high strung, and often can make you feel like you are supposed to keep up with them at their pace.

One of two things is going to happen to them, they are either going to burn out, or achieve what it is they want, neither of which are really relative to you at all.  If you’re not that type of person, trying to be one is only going to make you hate whatever it is you are doing. There are times in life where doing less, actually gains you more ground.  Once you figure this out, things become easier.

Sure, like Koonu says, you can’t just lay there, you have to do more than that, but spending all day every day on something, without taking time for yourself, others, or to get your mind off of it?  That could be a recipe for disaster.  I’m not preaching laziness by any means, more so rationalizing what it is you are wishing to obtain or achieve and making plans that work for who you are.  Sometimes finishing a reading, having a couple mike’s hard lemonades, watching your favorite episode of the Vampire Diaries and giving something a little extra to the mrs. in the bedroom is worth more in the long run.  I’m not saying, I’m just saying.  “Hatin’ is bad.*” “Skeet skeet skeet, water gun**”

* LMFAOParty Rock Anthem
** Drake – The Motto

It’s twue it’s twue

Is it twue what they say about women’s breasts during premenstrual syndrome being lifted?  It’s twue, it’s twue.  You may not remember sex education class, maybe your teacher failed to touch on the fact that women’s breast can swell during this time, or maybe you failed to think what exactly this meant.  You may also have forgotten that women can get on the same cycle.  Which at first thought seems like an absolutely terrible situation to find yourself in.  Why on earth is this relevant?  I happened to find myself in a situation where I was 100% sure the tides or the moon’s gravitational pull on the Earth was causing some serious bodily changes in a lot of people yesterday.  It was as if many women had all gone out an gotten enhanced!  While addressing it with a colleague I was reminded of the very facts above.  More reason not to get a boob job.  Sure it may be the only fun side effect (if I can call it that) to premenstrual syndrome, but hey, I’ll gladly take it!

‘Nuff Said

“Every second I’m not being tasered is the greatest second of my life.” – Dallas Police Officer T.I.

Isolationism

That awkward state you find yourself after a moment when you think you’ve done something good and everyone else thinks, “you a bitch.”  We’ve all been there.  For me, it was when I told my fellow classmates I was worried about them and I didn’t want them to drink and drive, so they should please call me and I’d pick them up and drive them wherever at any time of night, unless I was mid cop-a-feel.  I didn’t tell them that.  I don’t think I would have been able to drop that and help them if that were the case.  Sure I thought I was being nice but it turns out I came across as a stiff.  Thankfully I didn’t spend 13 years being afraid to open up to people, or suffer any emotional damage or anything.  But I’m sure lots of you have been there, we bring it on ourselves sometimes.  I mean everybody does it.  It’s like masturbating, sure some people say they don’t, but we all know they do.  My friend Luis has a pocket pu, nevermind that’s not where I was going with this.  My friend Luis finds himself in these situations quite often and I think he needs to look in the mirror and either do something about it or get off the pot.  I mean eventually the facts may be, that I in fact be a b*tch.