Archive | January 2012

I think I’m winning

“I think I’m winning”

I’m trying very hard this year to hate on things less, so today I will say, I think I admire Courtney Robertson.  For nothing more than at least she owned her actions.  And maybe because she feels that going on a reality television show (even though there is nothing real about reality tv shows aside from Cops) to convince a man she’s worth marrying is some form of winning.  If a person can find a reason to think they are winning in life, isn’t that the only reason that matters?  If this upstanding young woman, felt whatever the bachelor’s name is, could benefit from a night of skinny dipping with a model, and at the same time it might give her a vagina up on her competition, is that wrong?  Is it a form of prostitution?  This brave, inspirational woman should be a role model shouldn’t she?  I mean how many people do you know would break the rules to show someone a good time?  To do something for someone that no one else has ever done?  To make that person feel special?  Even if you don’t feel those are good reasons, what about the fact that she did it to keep a promise?

Look I realize she got him drunk, went skinny dipping in the ocean at night and used her looks to try and gain an advantage in life, but she did it for her reasons and her reasons made her believe that for the time she was winning.  Isn’t it nice to believe we are winning at something?  Even if we don’t end up winning?  It’s nice to be in the lime-light even for a few seconds, even if we’re not wearing clothes, and a shark could eat us at any time, and even when everyone else may think we’re a whore.  Whore’s are people too.  Courtney Robertson, you are winning, Charlie Sheen would be proud.

Drip drip drip… oh no

Last night it became very apparent to me that far more people in this world have had problems controlling their bladders.  And its not something they are ashamed of, and after last night, I’m not sure it is something they should be.  They all seemed to own it, and as disturbed as I was at first, by the end I was like, I guess it’s common and could be worse, it’s not like they are crapping the bed…

Where was I, well it was not at a golden showers anonymous meeting or anything like that is all I can tell you.  I’m sure those exist though, and if you’re here looking for such a place or looking for photos of such things, I am sorry to disappoint you, but you will not find either here.  Maybe google “she peed her pants” or something like that, perhaps there will be a blog about people who do that and you can thank me for helping you on your way.  What I wanted to discuss is that moment where you think you’re done and you go to zip up and there’s one last drip, and if you’re going sans skivvies, your cover is blown and you have an awkward little blotch on your pants, skirt, shorts, what have you.  Like this.

It’s embarrassing on so many levels a) you have urine on your clothes b) people can see it, and c) if you’re a guy, people know what you’re working with depending on where the spot is.

I know what you’re saying, this is exactly why people in other countries buy used underwear out of vending machines!  And you’re probably right.

 

And if that wasn’t your first thought, then your thought was probably more along the lines of, that is why people wear underwear, to keep the bathroom stains from getting on their clothes.  Oh yeah, I forgot to warn you, this topic might disturb you.  And that is certainly why underwear exists.  But if that is the case, please explain what purpose these serve in that process?

Exactly, you don’t know.  Apparently this is called a C string, for obvious reasons, but again, aside from being possibly sexy (would have to see one) is it practical for any other reason?  Maybe the better question is, does it need to be?

Wasn’t this started as a blog about bed wetters?  Yes, we’ve moved on, keep up people.

 

Hey now

What in the wide wide world of sports is going on here?

Hair Plugs for Men


For the last year I’ve denied that the hair on the top of my head was thinning.  But the reality is just that.  And I’m okay with it.  For the time being I have amazing blonde locks compliments of the lovely Miss Lara.  I’ve started researching hair plugs, they seems to be the best option with hair club for men, yellow permanent marker and rogaine coming in second, third and fourth respectively.  The side effects are minimum, possible baldness and random patches, so nothing overly serious.  But what left me dumbfounded was the options men/women have for hair plugs.  They aren’t just used on ones head of hair.  Suppose you wanted chest hair like Jagger, you could get plugs for that.  Or perhaps you got the crazy notion that dense vegetation down under was a good idea.  Yep, pube plugs, you can get those too!

I don’t recommend either of those options, but as I’m here to help, if you feel your confidence is lacking and maybe you just don’t have enough body hair, maybe forgo the new fancy shoes, watch, belt, sports car, penis pump, sock, money clip with a bunch of singles and a solo Benji on the outside, lame polo, or other ridiculous over compensation and invest in some plugs for your cranial head, chest, back, b-crack, ball sack, penile head, armpits, moustache region, or wherever you so choose.  I can’t stress the maybe. Prayer is also an option.

I prayed for facial hair when I was 18 as I had no body hair.  Let’s just say, be careful what you wish for.

My name is Mark, and I use a Shower Sponge Loofah

Or sploofah if you will.  I will warn you now, this post may be too much information, but it also may be the greatest thing you ever read, there probably won’t be much middle ground.  For years I thought these sploofah’s were girly and pointless.  I refused to use them for no logical reason.  Honestly, there was nothing wrong with how I lathered myself in the shower without them at all.  Bar soap, liquid soap, or even the french shower via cologne, for the better part of 30 years I never felt I was getting short-changed in my showers.

But that all changed when the little lady bought me a sploofah.  I got a nice soapy lather going and nothing felt all that different.  Neck, chest, arms, legs, feet, buttocks, no difference.  I was about ready to part ways, then I scrubbed my balls.

You read that right, I don’t really know what happened for the next couple minutes, I just remember being in a trance.  Of feeling more relaxed than any point in my life.  I wasn’t aroused or turned on.  I just remember the little lady asking if everything was okay because I was staring at nothing and just kept lathering.  At first I was like, maybe this is a one time thing, but no, every time it is the most relaxing thing there is.  Nothing I describe here will do it justice, if nirvana exists, this may be as close to it as one can get without years of meditation, the mind and body completely relax and stress is no where to be found.

I don’t know if the sploofah has a similar effect on the lady regions but for their sake I hope so.  I know what your thinking, women have this

And sure I hear those are great, but I’m not sure it’s the same thing.  The sploofah isn’t a sexually gratifying thing, its total relaxation.  So next time you’re at the store and you pass one, I say grab it, lather it up and try it out.  It might change your life forever.  Or it might not, and you might think I’m a total weirdo.  But hey, at least I’m trying to share something that could make your day just a little better and not just keeping it for myself.  And ladies, if you don’t own one of those shower heads, rumor is, you should…

Things we put in our mouths

How often do you think about something before you put it in your mouth?  Where it’s been?  What it’s made from?  What people may think?  What it could do to you?  What you could do with or to it?  Anything other than food goes here and that’s the truth.  And it’s not just food we put in our mouths.  Who chews straws, grass or pen-caps?  Who chews their own hair when they’re nervous on a date?  Toe or finger nails?  Boogers?  What about tonsil hockey?  Or gobble the wiener?  What about golden-showers?  Pete’s schweddy balls?  Hair pie?  A dollar bill at the club when you’re trying to make her work for it and for some reason you don’t stop to think where that dollar bill has been or where what you’re hoping is going to pick it up has been?  We tend to put a lot of really nasty stuff in our mouth with very little thought.  Sure ass to mouth is probably gross, but it’s probably just one of the many things that aren’t exactly sanitary we put our lips on or we put in our mouths.  I’m not casting judgment upon anyone for anything they do here.  Just simply saying it’s disturbingly funny the stuff we put in our mouths and don’t really have a second thought about it.

While Orbit may cure a dirty mouth, here are some images for the dirty mind that might make you salivate, or they might not.

http://www.organicauthority.com/foodie-buzz/most-suggestive-vegetables-on-earth.html

Today’s topic was sent in by a reader, if you ever find something that you’d like me to post or write about, please by all means let me know and I will try and do it justice.

Real or Fake

Hip hop hooray… ho…

Yes, another new weekly post that’s as simple as it sounds, I’ll post a picture of a product, cleavage, pant leg, whatever, and you get to vote on whether you think it is real, fake, real because you can touch it, or something completely different.  Choices for real, fake, real if you can touch it, something else may vary from week to week.

 

Coming soon: Pittakionophobia