Bathroom Etiquette 101*
Accepted/Expected Policies and Procedures:
When you were little, seeing how far you could stand from the toilet and still make it into the toilet was a sweet game. As was seeing if you could fill the top of the water with suds and then pop them with the remaining urine. Don’t you dare judge me, I was 5 and kids do those things. Okay, I was 15, whatever. Girls you really got the short end of the stick on that. But there comes a time when you grow out of those things and you should treat any restroom with respect. That age is 8 years old. But it is wise to learn it before then. And most certainly before you come home from the bars. All you want to do then is lay down on the cold tile floor and pray for forgiveness from the porcelain God hoping that the pounding will go away and the room will stop spinning. You hope that you have the clean bathroom if you experience nights like that but if not, it’s no biggie because the cold tile feels so good.
Returning to the matter at hand, upon entering the restroom it is acceptable to turn on a sink, shower or the radio to mask any sounds of your experience.
Procedure for using a urinal:
If you are a guy and you need to pee, use a urinal. However, wash your hands first, think about all of the things you have touched; doorknobs, your nose, elevator buttons, your secretary, your wife, that girl behind the counter, money to pay for that girl behind the counter, etc. Do you really want to touch your penis before washing your hands? I mean, you might as well go down to Hairy Hines and pick up some lady of the night and have unprotected anal sex. So wash your hands, then walk up to an available urinal, urinate, flush and wash your hands again. If a urinal is unavailable you may wait on the back wall or use a stall. Do not make eye contact with anyone, and do not talk to anyone unless you walked in with them.
Procedure for using a stall to urinate:
After washing your hands enter stall and lock the door, lift the seat, urinate, lower the seat (although comical to hear a woman discuss falling into a toilet, the saran wrap covered toilet is not a fun revenge), then wipe any drops from the seat, discard toilet paper and flush. Exit stall, wash hands, and depart. It is never okay for a man to sit and urinate.
Procedure for using a stall to deliver packages:
If you are going to use a stall and you will be delivering a package, reading material is acceptable. The Quick was invented for this reason, never bring anyone else’s material or the office newspaper. Literature in the bathroom is also acceptable. Sadly the days of stall poetry are no more.
Upon entering the stall, check to see if you have enough toilet paper for your mission. Then lock the door. Make sure the seat is down and clean. If it is not, wipe the seat first then sit all of the way on the toilet and let it go. Occasionally you will need a courtesy flush, use this when necessary. Once you are finished wipe. To wipe, use just enough toilet paper (a few sheets at most, it blows my mind how fast people go through rolls of toilet paper), reach from behind and wipe from front to back. Yes, that is the only practice accepted. Wiping from back to front is disgusting. Discard the toilet paper and flush. Make sure it flushes, zip, unlock, and exit. Lighting a match, candle or a couple sprays are thoughtful practices and should be employed when it smells like something died, or really if it smells in any way at all. Wash your hands and leave. In extreme cases, warn someone by leaving a note or telling the next guest that the person before you must have had a rough night. If you completely dominate a toilet, or it overflows it is your responsibility to place an anonymous phone call to the cleaning crew within 5 minutes. If you are at someone’s house you do everything you can to fix it!
Random useful tips: When in doubt, wipe. Always buy soft toilet paper. Always have a spare roll near the toilet.
If you use the last of the toilet paper put a new roll on, you hate when you go into battle with no ammunition. To do this, remove the cardboard roll and replace, make sure the toilet paper is on the correct way, so that the torn the paper lies on the next sheet and doesn’t drop to the floor.
Wash your God d*mn hands!
What about port-o-toilets?
These are only to be used in EXTREME emergencies. Avoid at all costs, never attempt to have sweet hot loving relations in one. Shower as soon after using one as possible.
Food for thought:
Why is it that the people that forget to flush always leave the biggest presents? Are they so worn out from battle it slips their mind? Mustering the energy to lift their arm and flush just takes too much effort? They must know what they’ve done. It’s never the solo turd.
Procedure for having sweet hot loving relations in a stall:
Make it fast, it’s not about stamina on this classy move. It’s about the thrill. Wham bam thank you ma’am is the accepted practice here. Do not wear difficult clothes. Do not attempt any positions you’ve never tried. Stick to one of these three. One, lift her up against the wall and have your way. Two, bend her over and have your way. Or three, sit on the seat, she rides and has her way. Never use the floor, never remove clothes completely and use the handicap stall when you can. I hear it has a cool bar that can be used for aide. If you are caught you may offer your partner in exchange for silence. No, do not do that. Always deny everything. Learn from former President Clinton, you did not have sexual relations with that person.
Coming Soon: The Fish, not to be confused with the fist and when Silence isn’t Golden
*Bathroom Etiquette 101 is an excerpt from my book, Water Cooler Talk with Clarby.