Archive | February 2012

It’s twue it’s twue

Is it twue what they say about women’s breasts during premenstrual syndrome being lifted?  It’s twue, it’s twue.  You may not remember sex education class, maybe your teacher failed to touch on the fact that women’s breast can swell during this time, or maybe you failed to think what exactly this meant.  You may also have forgotten that women can get on the same cycle.  Which at first thought seems like an absolutely terrible situation to find yourself in.  Why on earth is this relevant?  I happened to find myself in a situation where I was 100% sure the tides or the moon’s gravitational pull on the Earth was causing some serious bodily changes in a lot of people yesterday.  It was as if many women had all gone out an gotten enhanced!  While addressing it with a colleague I was reminded of the very facts above.  More reason not to get a boob job.  Sure it may be the only fun side effect (if I can call it that) to premenstrual syndrome, but hey, I’ll gladly take it!

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‘Nuff Said

“Every second I’m not being tasered is the greatest second of my life.” – Dallas Police Officer T.I.

Isolationism

That awkward state you find yourself after a moment when you think you’ve done something good and everyone else thinks, “you a bitch.”  We’ve all been there.  For me, it was when I told my fellow classmates I was worried about them and I didn’t want them to drink and drive, so they should please call me and I’d pick them up and drive them wherever at any time of night, unless I was mid cop-a-feel.  I didn’t tell them that.  I don’t think I would have been able to drop that and help them if that were the case.  Sure I thought I was being nice but it turns out I came across as a stiff.  Thankfully I didn’t spend 13 years being afraid to open up to people, or suffer any emotional damage or anything.  But I’m sure lots of you have been there, we bring it on ourselves sometimes.  I mean everybody does it.  It’s like masturbating, sure some people say they don’t, but we all know they do.  My friend Luis has a pocket pu, nevermind that’s not where I was going with this.  My friend Luis finds himself in these situations quite often and I think he needs to look in the mirror and either do something about it or get off the pot.  I mean eventually the facts may be, that I in fact be a b*tch.

Spice it back up by bringing sexy back

So today is a day for lovers, love, maybe self love, or not.  Sure Saint Valentine probably existed, I mean he did according to some records, and sure Russell Stover‘s now follows in his footsteps but if you’re not into chocolates, flowers, lingerie, fancy dinners, cheap hotel rooms, over priced strawberries, Louie’s or the likes but you want to do something, I suggest you play the HS make out game.  You remember your first high school make out session, or middle school make out session, basically whenever it was you first started making out but not going for an extra base.  There was a rush of excitement just to kiss someone, to not even see naughty parts or make skin contact, it drove you crazy.  We’ll here’s the game.

Make a bet with your partner, each partner picks something they really want, it can be sexual, it can be not sexual, start small but something you would try to win.  For example one of you may want to go somewhere for a night and the other may want to try something new.  Once the terms are agreed to, you make out high school style.

How to play:

Decide on the consideration to be received by the winner

Both partners begin with clothes on, clothes may be sexy in nature, but must be something the other would wear out in public.  Begin making out.  The goal is to get your partner to break the skin barrier or tap out.  Pre-exposed skin does not count, neck, arms, face, the likes.  You may grope outside/on top of your clothes, but once a hand goes under the clothes or a partner taps out the game is over and the other partner wins.

There can be a stalemate, when both partners have a meeting of the minds and determine there will be no winner under current rules.  At which point the rules are adjusted.  The consideration is also increased.  You can allow to be groped under clothes, but no penetration, what have you.  You then modify the consideration to something you really want.  You can either restart the game then or start again another time.  Play until there is a winner.

Tips and twists:

To increase the difficulty neither party can masturbate for 36 hours prior to the game
Make the loser the first one to kiss the other person but allow everything else
Allow for pregame teasing/flirting, in an attempt to gain the upper hand

At the end of the game both partners will have won in some way shape or form and had some fun doing it.  Never underestimate the power of the high school make out session.  It’s a game of will power, now go my little ones, go, and good luck!

 

Teeheehee

Aside from a few shallow straight guys and probably fewer lesbians, most of the rest don’t care if you have bee stings or block busters.  If there’s a chance they get to see them, they’re going to stare, maybe point, any blood that was going to their brain will instantly be diverted elsewhere and they will get a little excited.  Honestly they probably don’t even care if they get to touch them the first time they see them, they really are just happy to have a girl that would let them see them.

I mean think about it, guys pay good money to exotic dancers just to be able to look at them.  So, if you’re feeling self cautious about your boobs remember everyone loves boobs.  And if you can touch them, they’re real, and if you let someone see them or touch them, that someone is going to be thankful.  Maybe “very” thankful.  Carry on.

Spanx… I say No Thanx

See what I did there?  With the x and the x?  Usually thanx is spelled with a ks, but I used, nevermind.  Ugh, no one cares.  Whatever.

I’m all for people trying to look great.  It’s a nice thing, people like it, it’s good to look and feel attractive, like people think its nice, people derive some form of joy from it.  What is that which brings me joy?  Getting what I paid for.  You go out for a nice steak dinner, you expect a nice steak dinner.  You go out with a 7, you want a 7, a 10 a 10… etc etc etc you know how the number system works.  What I don’t like is thinking 6 and getting 3 or 9 and 7, whatever it is.  I don’t enjoy that, own that you don’t have the super model body, don’t try and fool people into thinking you do.  It’s better to be less than perfect with a sexy ass thong or banana hammock on, than to appear perfect and when it comes time to pay the bill, it’s some strange granny panty looking contraption.  Hell, I had a grandmother that opened a green teddy from VS in front of us one year, she blushed and my grandfather was like, bow chicka bow wow.  And she wasn’t some back woods 29 year old grandmother, she was stereotypical wonderful sweet, grandmother, take your hat off inside, mind your manners grandmother.  Aww, I miss her.  But look, some people don’t want to think DD’s and get AA’s, they’d rather know ahead of time what the real menu is.  So be proud with what you have, don’t try and tell her you’re working with an 8×10 when its a 4×2.

2 Girls, 1 Razor

Every so often I’m reminded of my awesomeness.  The time when my secret santa gave me a shirt that said, “Proud to be Awesome.”  Or when my friends, say, “wow Mark, you’re just so awesome,” after I’ve told them I know this person or this person, or that I knew Merlin Olsen.  Last night, I was reminded once again.

While walking I overheard the following conversation being had by two female strangers in a semi-public place, well they were friends I’m assuming, but they were strangers to me, danger, stranger, danger:

Girl 2: Well, what number razor are you using to shave it with?

Me: <Say what?!> 

Girl 1: A three last night, usually I go with a five but last time it didn’t look good.

Me: <Surely she didn’t mean>

Girl 2: So how does it look this time?

Girl 1: Here, I’ll show you.

Me: <Is this seriously about to happen?!>

Girl 1: <Takes off hat revealing shaved head>

Me: <Of course that’s what she meant, there you go again mind, trying to make everything dirty>

Girl 2: I thought you meant your va-jay-jay*

*This comment by Girl 2 was added to send your mind into the gutter in case it was not already there with the rest of us.  Prudes.  Side question, did you read semi-pubic place above?  I did when I was proof reading.