Archive | March 2013

Confessions

vanity

The clitoris is not a myth.

Rising tuitions costs are a bigger concern than litigation costs.

Smut novels are no different than pornography or strip clubs.

I never knew it was the federal government’s responsibility to make sure everyone had a job.

I dream in color.

I didn’t know every time people masturbated that God killed a kitten.

Judges should be allowed to look at a case and say get this crap out of here.

Smut novels can be healthy.

It is unwise to use racial and entitlement in the same sentence.

Rolling Stone is wrong about their new immortals list.

I want to name one of my children Akhilleus.

I didn’t know that because that is the way something has always been, that that’s the way it always has to be.

Being in debt to a loan shark is bad, but being in debt to China is okay.

Pornography and strip clubs can be healthy.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

I don’t dream of Jeannie.

I didn’t know you could save dice during turns in Dice with Buddies.

Craig Kilborn was a better host of the Daily Show.

It wasn’t butter.

Smut novels can be unhealthy.

A heartbeat is the start of life.

Justin Timberlake is the most talented entertainer today.

I didn’t know having a cell phone was a fundamental right.

Pornography and strip clubs can be unhealthy.

What’s best for me is not always what’s best for you.

After years of research, the hokey pokey is not what it’s all about.

Clothes do not make the man.

Doggy style does not mean anal sex.

There should be limits on speech, or at the very least on the media.

I’m always so surprised when it comes out that an athlete or a celebrity isn’t who we thought they were.  I wish I could be more like Dennis Green.

What what, in the butt, pertains to anal.

Mindy McCready is now one of ten thousand angels watching over us.

Guns are not the answer, but they are an answer.

Can we legalize marijuana and cocaine and tax the hell out of it already?  I’ll still label people who use them, but what’s the reasoning for not doing this?  It’s morally wrong?  Like a politician cheating on his wife, or getting a DWI, or what is the connection?  Oh it sets a bad example for children?  Ah, like the government running a deficit sets a good example?  Sorry that was off topic.  Isn’t it a parents job to raise their children and teach them right from wrong? My bad, I didn’t know, I’m sorry.

I don’t understand how there are any kittens left.

Sex before marriage may be wrong, but it feels good.

C as in Charlie, O as in oh my god it’s Robert Loggia, W as in water pistol.

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Gone the way of the Dodo

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Here I sit all broken hearted
I tried to shit, but only farted
– Author Unknown

Maybe it’s because I’m not in grade school any more, or maybe it’s because I don’t hang out in truck stops like I used to, but I’ve realized something is missing from my life.  The Bathroom Lyricist, the Number Two Dungaboo, the Porcelain Poet.  These mysterious geniuses could put pen to wall, and in a few seconds, bam, masterpiece.  Profound words that no $99 seminar at some off beat executive hotel could ever offer.

Ladies, I don’t know if you’ve had these.  Maybe the bathroom stall wall is where Carly Rae first penned Call Me Maybe, or where Dave Chappelle came up with his remix edition about his song about pissing.  But regardless, it’s clear to me, the smart phone has killed the majority of them off.  Another horrific tragedy of the technology age.

Do people really think someone wants to receive a text from you while you’re on the pot?  Or that your move in (insert whatever game is popular at time reading this) came while you were dropping a load?  You’re disgusted even thinking about it, but yet, you do it.

Help save our bathroom stalls, bring back the writings on the walls.  Don’t shit and text, or peck and pee.