How come the pop jean stores feel the need to scam us like Wendy’s? Oh we now offer fries with skin on them just for you customer. Our extensive research team determined that customers prefer these to the fries we used to make which were the best fast food fries around, it has nothing at all to do with our ability to produce more fries from one potato to save a bit of money, so please pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.
So jeans, fuck em, at least the pre-torn ones. Trying to scam us so we come back and buy more because the holes keep getting bigger and bigger til they are basically the size of this lady’s va-jay jay. Well, I’m not having it any more. Sure I could just go buy a quality pair of jeans but I choose to try and be hip and cool, but not too hip and cool where it looks like I’m trying way to hard to be hip and cool like the Cash-or-do-me-in-the-arse-and-make-a-porno-with-an-athlete-ian family. So you know what I’m going to do?
Yep, bring back patches, Corduroy had one, I think, and I loved him. When did patches on jeans go out of style? They become the essence of the jeans and “if moisture is the essence of wetness, and wetness is the essence of beauty,” Zoolander, then patches equate to moisture and as all women know, moisture can be a very good thing. Well, I guess technically it could also be a very bad thing, but here, for our purposes today, moisture, vis a vis, a la, aka, patches, are a good thing.
Screw the kids on the playground that are like “oh, look at the poor kid that can’t even afford a new pair of jeans, he must be a real loser, we should make him feel bad about himself because my daddy likes the bottle and and I have the bruises to show for it, but I don’t want others to think I’m not perfect, so, hey look at the kid with patches on his pants.”
Wow, where did that come from. I’m working on the little ball of hate avatar/gif. Continuing on with patches being the essence, sure you can go simple with just a generic piece of cloth, or maybe a bandana, or you can get really creative and really “express yourself don’t repress yourself,” Madonna. And what American youth doesn’t like expressing themselves? We will let alone teens repressing themselves in their room when they think no one else is in the house and then without knocking,
“Harry I brought you Sprinkles.”
“MOM!!! OMG, FML”
“Harold Chesterton Hunt what are you doing to that poor pillow!”
So look, like Reuben said, “you must be like the hippo.” Cool beans?
Wax Seals on evelopes.
Shall I go on? Just one of those little things in life where getting a letter or even a bill for that matter would be so much cooler if it came in a wax sealed envelope. Humor me on this one for a minute…
“Diddly doot diddly doot diddly doot”
You’re sitting around drinking your McDonalds McCafe’ Caramel Mocha going through your mail with no real interest; bill, bill, donation request, nudie magazine, sheik clothing catalog, bill, value coupon, waste of paper and money junk coupon schmorgesborg, bill, letter, wait, is that a wax sealed envelope? Fuck me it is.
Couple days later you’re shooting the proverbial shit with your friends and you’re like:
“Dude got a letter from Chadwick the other day, had a wax seal on the envelope.”
“No fucking way man.”
“Yeah it did.”
“That Chadwick, always kicking it up a notch. What did he have to say?”
“Sent me a bill for the life lock shredder I asked him to pick up for me off the late night infomercials.”
“Oh nice!… Dude is that Madonna over there?”
“Diddly doot diddly doot diddly doot”
So, yeah. Thanks for humoring me. I’m gonna have to get a lot of those forever stamps. If you don’t get a letter, it’s not because I don’t care, I promise, it’s because I don’t have your snail mail address. And if I do have your snail mail address, then it is because I don’t care.