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Confessions

vanity

The clitoris is not a myth.

Rising tuitions costs are a bigger concern than litigation costs.

Smut novels are no different than pornography or strip clubs.

I never knew it was the federal government’s responsibility to make sure everyone had a job.

I dream in color.

I didn’t know every time people masturbated that God killed a kitten.

Judges should be allowed to look at a case and say get this crap out of here.

Smut novels can be healthy.

It is unwise to use racial and entitlement in the same sentence.

Rolling Stone is wrong about their new immortals list.

I want to name one of my children Akhilleus.

I didn’t know that because that is the way something has always been, that that’s the way it always has to be.

Being in debt to a loan shark is bad, but being in debt to China is okay.

Pornography and strip clubs can be healthy.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

I don’t dream of Jeannie.

I didn’t know you could save dice during turns in Dice with Buddies.

Craig Kilborn was a better host of the Daily Show.

It wasn’t butter.

Smut novels can be unhealthy.

A heartbeat is the start of life.

Justin Timberlake is the most talented entertainer today.

I didn’t know having a cell phone was a fundamental right.

Pornography and strip clubs can be unhealthy.

What’s best for me is not always what’s best for you.

After years of research, the hokey pokey is not what it’s all about.

Clothes do not make the man.

Doggy style does not mean anal sex.

There should be limits on speech, or at the very least on the media.

I’m always so surprised when it comes out that an athlete or a celebrity isn’t who we thought they were.  I wish I could be more like Dennis Green.

What what, in the butt, pertains to anal.

Mindy McCready is now one of ten thousand angels watching over us.

Guns are not the answer, but they are an answer.

Can we legalize marijuana and cocaine and tax the hell out of it already?  I’ll still label people who use them, but what’s the reasoning for not doing this?  It’s morally wrong?  Like a politician cheating on his wife, or getting a DWI, or what is the connection?  Oh it sets a bad example for children?  Ah, like the government running a deficit sets a good example?  Sorry that was off topic.  Isn’t it a parents job to raise their children and teach them right from wrong? My bad, I didn’t know, I’m sorry.

I don’t understand how there are any kittens left.

Sex before marriage may be wrong, but it feels good.

C as in Charlie, O as in oh my god it’s Robert Loggia, W as in water pistol.

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Confessions 3

Eh govna, *wink*, know what I mean?  Ju likey?  Does that do anything for any of y’all?  Would it if I told you it was Rosie O’Donnell?  Well, it used to do something for me, but I can’t explain why, other than maybe the outfit or the badge or maybe it was just the movie, Exit to Eden was about sex.  I’ll also confess to watching her show and also to watching Ellen’s talk show too from time to time.

If you’re lost you can look, and you will find me
time after time
If you fall I will catch you, I’ll be waiting
time after time*

I had a slight crush on Ellen, really can’t explain that one.  But for several years I thought she would be the greatest date ever.  I mean think about it, random dance parties anywhere, she can look great when she wants to, her stand-up is hilarious, she is very successful, she likes women, I like women, we could end up with another woman, or nothing at all.  I mean, all in all it just sounded like it would be a blast.

I’m so sorry about that picture at the top, but in order to truly confess and for you all to understand it was necessary.  Here, look at this to get your stomach back.

* Cyndi Lauper – Time after time

Confessions 2

Did you know that there are things called history folders and cookies on computers?  And these alleged cookies and history folders track your movements throughout the internet.  So say if you were to visit a bunch of sites or make searches, that may be frowned upon by certain sects within society, like oh I don’t know, fake celebrity nudes or sublime directory, sites of those sorts, it logs this information?  And even if you type in ford.com, jeep.com, lycos.com, excite.com etc into your address bar until those other sites no longer show up, that the record still exists?

Oh you knew this already?  Consider yourself more intelligent than I was at 16.  If not, pay attention.  So I was a pretty normal teen, about 5 ft tall and roughly 100 pounds.  My dreams consisted of saving the world, owning 16 ridiculous houses all over the world, inventing something everyone needed, curing death, kissing a few girls and maybe feeling a breast or two (if just one, the left one because its closer to her heart).  I was a decent athlete, decent grades, babysat for my teachers kids, didn’t smoke, didn’t drink or do drugs and felt sex before marriage was hell worthy, you know, I was the standard all-american teenage boy.  Well here, look what I dug up, this will help you get the picture.

What’s that you say, heart-throb?  You’re too kind and you’re right, I had my own land phone line because the girl callers were so numerous.  Not exactly.  Back on point.  Because I didn’t have confidence in myself but I really liked girls, I opted to invest a lot of time into an up and coming industry that very few people knew about, internet pornography, on a school computer, which happened to be someone very close to me’s work computer.  I wouldn’t do anything other than look at the pictures and save them to floppy disks, no joke, I didn’t learn about masturbation until a year or so later.  So get that thought out of your head.  You all are getting me off… point.  I won’t lie, I looked at a lot of this so called internet pornography on this computer, everyday, and to hide my trail I would type in car dealerships into the address bar.  I was learning to drive so it made sense.  Well, apparently if you don’t clear the history folder or cookies and you look at the amount of internet pornography I looked at, the old school computers could fill up pretty fast.  So the IT guy came to see why this computer was running so slowly and found a little bit of internet pornography on it.  And confronted the person.  Let’s just say they were super embarrassed and I got a talk about how that was really not appropriate and could have cost them their job.

IT guy, sorry about that, it was me.

Lesson to be learned, don’t look at internet pornography on your dad’s work computer.